Friday, 21 July 2017

Leave Lauren Alone: ‘Summer House’ Recap

Catch up on last week’s recap here!

What better way to continue the momentum from last nights unpredictable Oscars ceremony than with an episode of? Say what you want about Warren Beatty but I think we can all agree that years from now, will stand along with in the cultural zeitgeist.

As if losing best picture wasnt upsetting enough, now they tell me theres only 3 weeks left of ! How could they do this to me?

We pick up where we left off: Lindsey finding out about Everetts potential foursome.

She confronts him. Everetts first response is What? which is a sign he’s definitely about to lie his face off.

Everett: Well thats just impossible because I physically cannot fit in a bed with four people.

Airtight logic. Wow.

Im sorry, but Id trust Stephen over my own boyfriend. And Ive never even met Stephen (a sad but true fact).

Lindsey: Did you bring me a coffee?

Everett: I brought you something better *pulls out a sunflower*

Id be like bitch but where my coffee at tho.

Cristina says she loves to break a story which is a fancy way of saying she loves to gossip.

Just when you think Stephen cant get any better, he stops a workout to puke in the bushes. Honestly Im a little concerned for myself due to how much Im stanning for this random man.

Kyles like Theres two weekends left, Im a single guy, its a marathon and theres no quitting. I think thats what Kendrick Lamar meant when he said I pray my dick gets big as the Eiffel Tower so I could fuck the world for 72 hours.

Lets take a moment to discuss Lindseys shirt.

“Fridays we be like squad goals”? It’s so bad I’m convinced it has to be satire.

Lauren: I feel like I need to have a conversation with Carl.

NO YOU DONT. You went to froyo and he went to one dinner with your family. It was one time!

Lauren: IDK where you got this assumption that I wanted some grandiose gesture.

Strong words coming from the girl who took her hookup of a few weeks to meet her parents.

Lauren: I dont hook up with someone for three weeks and then expect a proposal.

Nobody said you were expecting a proposal but we all think you’re expecting a relationship.

SURPRISE this convo ends in a kiss. I will begrudgingly give Ashley a +1 for predicting this.

Lauren: IDK if Carls crazy because he keeps coming back, or if Im crazy because I keep taking him back.

You. Its you. Youre the crazy one.

Everetts doing some fundraiser race thing that I cant reasonably make fun of. America! For the troops!

Damn this group of like 10 people raised over $25K? How rich are they?

I said I wouldnt make fun of this, but this race is a bootleg version of Thats all Im gonna say.

Did Ashley break her ankle without even falling? That’s impressive.

I was super into my fruit salad until Lindsey said together Everett and I can take over the world. THANKS FOR THAT. You owe me $2.79. (What I meant is, I threw it up. OK I’ll go fuck myself now. Mahalo.)

Oh my God if Lauren is gonna overreact that much over Ashley rolling her ankle she should talk to me after my twin tore her ACL. Ill spare you the details of that trying ordeal for me, but long story short I I lived. Against all odds.

So shes in a cast but her ankle is not broken

Do you really need training on crutches? You put them under your arms, you walk.

Ashley on the couch:

DAMNNN BRAD LEVEL 5 ADVANCED PETTINESS: Well you wouldnt have rolled your ankle if you were here in California.

Ashley is more upset over leaving her sister than about leaving her husband. #Priorties

I would rip on the fact that this group hired a party bus to go to a brewery, but Im honestly jealous. Are you guys gonna be in Montauk this summer? Pls tweet us if so.

Fuck a party bus, this is like a party jitney. Im dead.

Kyle holding an entire cooler of mojito for himself is my spirit animal.

Carl: What are you supposed to do on a party bus? They dont call it a chill bus.


Ashley: Lauren and Carl are PDA like theyre in seventh grade.

Also Ashley: I just want Lauren to find a guy and be married like, yesterday because shes really missing out on life.

And again, Ashley: What is Lauren gonna do without me? I dont trust her to make decisions alone.

OH MY FUCKING GOD, she is hooking up with a guy whos not that into her, shes not shooting heroin! Jesus fucking Christ, leave Lauren alone! (Yes, I wrote that in my head in Chris Crocker’s voice, in case you were wondering.)

OK but cmon Jaclyn WAS all up on Carl at the bonfire. Objective, non-alternative fact. Check my recap, I wrote it down word for word in the event that something like this would happen. Check the receipts.

Carl probably just came watching Lauren do that beer bong. Honestly, I did.

Actual footage of me when Ashley said Crashley:


Jaclyn, you can join me and Stassi on team forever alone. Consider this your formal invitation.

Honestly, Stephen said what I was gonna say: Why do we GAF that people made out? Are we in the 4th grade? Let me know when someone fucks.

Damn has this shit really been going on for 10 weeks already? Jesus Christ. What has happened to my brain cells.

Everett tries to deny the bed incident.

Stephen: You said it.*Sips drink*

ScrewStephen really belongs on

Not even going to summarize this argument. Fuck all this, I side with Lindsey on this one. That shits hella inappropriate and Everett obviously knew it, otherwise he wouldnt have lied about it. BOOM. LAWYERED.

Cristina got cornered and shes forgotten what words are and her voice just went up like 3 octaves. Anddd that’s all for this week, folks.

Check out our Vanderpump Rules recap!


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